||[Oct. 28th, 2007|01:44 pm]
Blahh colds suck=(.My taste buds are gone so everything tastes like poop lol!.I'm on a food plan and I have to eat certain things even if they taste horrible otherwise my weight will drop,grrr.I'm now 7 stone 3 pounds-woop woop!one step closer to getting my life back on track,but at the same time i still feel like a oompaloompa lmao:p.I need to weigh it up-Would i rather be thin and unhappy or healthier and happy?.I have finally got a discharge date from hospital(about frikkin time,haha!)12th December!wooo just in time for Christmas=)).I've spent the past year and a bit running from my problems but now i'm ready to face my demons and challenge my anorexia-i'm stronger than it and lifes worth a lot more than worrying about if i put on a pound or too or if i eat a bit of chocolate.At the time I couldnt see that.I was just thinking earlier on about how bad things got.I would stand all day and shake my foot constantly too burn off any little calorie I could to make myself feel better and if I didnt I would get so anxious and hysterical if someone challenged me on it that I would sometimes even suffer panic attacks or pull my hair or slash stomach or any part of my body to punish myself because I felt so guilty.I felt guilty for doing something so normal and natural.I felt guilty for feeling lazy and I felt guilty and ashamed for betraying anorexia.I had failed and for that I had to punish myself-and my way of punishment was inflicting pain on myself and then exercising for a certain amount of time.It got so bad I would give myself a time limit on sleeping(6 hours only)because I felt lazy and thought if I lay down for longer I would burn less calories therfore become fat.When I think back now I feel shocked and just wanna go and slap some sense into myself lol!.At the time I was in denial and whenever someone would say to me "It's your illness making you do these things"I would simply reply with some defensive sentence like: "No it's not,it's me-Stacie".Ohh how wrong I was.Anorexia was so in contol of me I even thought I was fine and could make rational choices but it was the complete opposite.As cheesy and as corny as it sounds I feel I've found myself and who I really am and who I wanna be.I'm not scared of what people will think anymore(well mabye a lil bit but everyone is to a certain extent)to the point where it affects my ability to do what I want and not feel pressured.I wanna enjoy life and not just any life-My life.I'll always have ups and downs but I'm prepared and the bad days always make the good days worthwhile in the end=)).So,how has everyone else been?.I got my hair cut and now I look like a pineapply head,lol but ah wehl people luv pineapples eh?:p.One of my friends said I looked emo now but ah well whatever.As always I come with new pictures,so comments are welcome as ever,thank you.P.s I still can't get these stupid lj cuts to work,soo frustrating! x.